Broken Records

Break ups feel like a broken record

I miss it. I miss all the times we were so madly in love, nothing could tear us apart. Not even the distances. It was us against the problem. It was us, even with no end in sight. We spent most of our time on our phones with each other, not really trying to make it work because it all felt so effortless. I miss that. I miss being in love. I miss the feeling of warmth and love that you get, just by looking at your partner. I miss that.

But here is also why we broke up - I miss being in love. I don't miss being with him. Because being with him also meant being with all the uncertainty, all those feelings of disgust and betrayal every time he would promise something and then not come through. That feeling when he backed out of my graduation, that is what really cemented the fact that I lost all my love and respect for him.

Khair, this is how you know right? Things happen and a relationship either stands the test of time, or it does not. So I don't think I wish for him. I wish for love which can withstand the pressures of time and change.

It is interesting falling out of love. You don't even know it is happening, and then one day something happens that makes you look at the big picture. You start looking at how the relationship had been ebbing away, eroding at the edges with every false promise made; with every lack of effort; with the constant desire to be in a place where we can't be; to be promised support that never comes through; to just not hold weight to your own word; to feel disrespected and hurt every time he made an excuse for why he did not come through - everything anything, all pointing towards how we just shouldn't be together.

Break-ups suck. Break-ups sound like a broken record. But even broken records played so beautifully once. And that is what you miss right? The times when it played so beautifully, so effortlessly to the rhythms so naturally ingrained within it.

Maybe the anger will also go away with time. The anger at him, at how I wished he made a little more of an effort, that he was a little braver, more maturer to stick it out till the end. But I know that anger will dissipate with reason - knowing all too well that maybe the circumstances just weren't optimum from the beginning, that we just were not meant to stay together beyond the time that we were. Differences in our personalities, in our approaches to life and the effect we had on each other.

It was good until it wasn't.

I miss us talking for hours, not knowing where the time went. I miss hearing his voice so that it brings me comfort and joy. I miss all the times we laughed and joked around, and how he made fun of me, and how I could be dramatic, and how just gave me so many virtual kissies, he would just tell me that he loved me. I miss him telling me that he loved me so much, and I miss loving him more than anyone I have ever loved. I miss trusting him; I miss feeling like he has got my back; I miss just being with him. I miss those moments of connection, those minutes we spent looking in each other's eyes with love so pure, so unbothered by everything that was to follow.

Break-ups are like broken records. And I miss loving him. Break-ups are bittersweet.

Song: To the Girl With Red Converse

The Ever Afters

Well, I graduated.

So much went right and so much went wrong, but all that seems to matter is that right now I am sitting with my beautiful, soft, warm and furry catto - Tofu, and I have La Vie en rose playing. Its cold, but I have a warm bed in my own apartment to keep me warm.

Song: La Vie En Rose

You and I
We dance under the moonlight
I wish for you
I wish for all the right things
I wish for all the things
that couldn't have gone wrong
I now know I will never have you
we feel more distant, torn apart
So close to breaking
Stretches of distances
Have snapped open
The recoil hurts
I cant keep stretching
Love is suffering
But it cant be this much apathy?
It wasn't supposed to be easy
It was supposed to be forgiving
How does it become the one thing
Which I have to let go of
To ease the discomfort of every day
Wasn't there a promise of comfort?
a promise of safety in your arms?
How have the things you say and do
Become so hurtful?
How did all the love I have
Evaporate into thin air?
How could I feel everything
And yet, nothing?

You and I
We keep dancing
I wish for you
I wish for all the right things
I wish for all the things
that couldn't have gone wrong
I wish for the end.