Well okay. Let's talk about this one.
Loss of ability to enjoy things. Loss of interest in things which usually interest me. Tired. Stressed out. Can't do much, not because I feel like I don't want to, but because honestly, I just can't bring myself to do it. Not liking waking up in the morning and lamenting the fact that I can't spend the entire day sleeping in oblivion. Feeling of heart constantly sinking. Feeling of sadness emanating from the core of my being. Constant reminder of all the past shit-ass experiences. Guilt over the fact that maybe it's my fault that I'm not doing enough (kind of enforced by people when they tell me that I need to change the way I think).
You know what sucks? I don't want to be like this. No one would want to be like this. I would have liked to just be able to study and get good grades and enjoy life. No one would choose to not be happy and satisfied with life without a solid reason. And it kind of sucks when people tell you to "do it differently and do it right" or "try a new approach to life".
The truth is I have tried things. I tried what my counselor suggested: study a little and achieve your tiny goals per day so the rewarding system in your brain is activated and you start enjoying your studies again. Tried it over and over again. I am still unable to achieve the ultimate goal: develop a momentum and start studying properly again. It's been more than three weeks and believe me it's not that I haven't tried. I have tried getting away, I have tried "changing the way I think" or "my approach" to life.
Yes I do believe it is stress induced. But I don't like the pattern associated with it. I don't like how sometimes I can manage things so well but the other times I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't like how when I am in a proper state of mind, I can just do things so easily and calmly but when I am not, then the smallest of tasks become the hardest thing to do in this world.
But of all these things, I just don't like how everyone just gets into a conciliatory position and recommends the changes I should make in my schedule, in the way I handle things and the way I think. I get it. They are just trying to help. But no. I don't wan't that. It always makes me feel worse. I know people are just trying to "push me into achieving better goals" but sometimes, you don't need the "push to achieve better". You just need the encouragement that whatever you are doing is more than enough for someone for whom just getting up from the bed is the hardest thing to do. You need encouragement that it is a HUGE deal that you got out of bed today. You don't need a constant reminder of how you "have to get out of bed and do other stuff". This is one of the reasons I choose to seclude myself from people when I am feeling like this.
Ultimate dream: Someone just comes up to me, hugs me, and tells me that they know I am trying my best to work with what I have and that it is not my fault that I feel this way, but what ever I am doing, I am managing well. I don't feel like this because of a lack of trying. I feel like this because unfortunately, it's what is happening inside my head. I am trying my best, I honestly am. I am not a lazy irresponsible person and honestly, I love studying. I enjoy it so much. But right now, I just can't bring myself to do it.
I am glad that I have become more self aware, thanks to my past experience with depression. Atleast now I can figure out the signs and symptoms and be kind to myself.
One other thing that is currently happening is, wait I don't know how to put it into words. Okay. The realization that people can't help you. I already have a profound understanding of this that only you can help yourself. But this knowledge brings a certain feeling of loneliness with it. I have some amazing friends who make it easier for me to deal with such things, but I know currently they are all busy studying themselves. So it's equal parts I don't want to bother them; they can't really help much anyways and that I can't keep bothering them again and again anyways. See here is the thing: it's like such states of mind force you into seclusion with such thoughts. In my content state of mind, knowing that I have such amazing people around me makes me so happy but right now, it doesn't contribute much to my happiness because I don't see the point of it. This one is slightly hard to explain because I can see them trying to be good friends and it always makes me happy, but that happiness is always momentary. So it's not that people around me aren't doing enough. It's just that there is something wrong in my head.
So that's what it's like inside my head right now. It feels good to put a piece of me out there for the world to see (nods to the imaginary fan base) in a private, yet not-so-private way. It "momentarily" feels good to share. I guess the hope here is that maybe someone out there will understand and relate to what I'm currently feeling and maybe someone will tell me that it will be okay. I know it will be. It just always helps to get it validated from someone outside my head. And maybe if there is someone out there who happens to feel the same way, it'll be nice if they can relate to it too. That's it for today then.
