Avocados and Of Avogadro's

Well I joined an academy to study for the medical entry test and I do love it because it’s the kind of freedom I didn’t have for two whole years (For example: being able to wear whatever I want; being able to get out of my seat after every one-hour-class; having to study only for 5 hours; being able to use my brain to solve questions though my brain isn’t really working anymore). Now that I look back I feel like I was locked up for two years, in a tiny room in the basement with a tiny barred window. I used to look out of that window but looking at the birds flying free was painful because it made me realize how trapped I really was. Now, I have escaped. I was mentally abused for two years and because it was that long, I can’t really get used to this partial freedom. I’m still partially mentally scarred. 

But I do smile when I look at the birds now and I really can see the colors once again. I’m not exaggerating. When I was coming back home after the first day in academy with my friends I noticed that the trees were green. I literally noticed the greenness of the green trees and I realized how grey they were for the past two years. I didn’t even notice how everything had become so grey and uninteresting until I could notice the colors again.

So here I am. Recovering. Still bruised. But healing.

I’m so glad I can look at my friends everyday now. I really do love them a lot. And I didn’t even realize it. I am miserable without them. SO.  DAMN. MISERABLE. They are my support system. I didn’t realize how much I depended on them for my happiness maybe because I didn’t want to be “dependent” on anyone for my happiness but I guess I am. I love them so much that even though I won’t be able to talk to them for the five hours we are in the academy, just knowing that they are there is consoling enough and it makes me happy and content. They are miserable waisay hahah. It’s a step down for them after A Levels. For me it’s a step up after FSc. I guess anything and everything would be a step up from FSc. It was a horrible step down for me after O’ Levels so I know what they are going through right is HORRIBLE. But I’m just so happy in their presence that I don’t care about anything else.

I can still feel the scars on my brain. It’s weighing down on me and yes I am tired. It’s not just me;  all of my friends would also LOVE a little relaxing time to recuperate. It’s too much. I can’t study. Even if I try I won’t be able to fit anything into my brain because it’s just damaged tissues up there. My neurons have swollen up and are tender. My brain is slowly swelling under pressure. It’s inflamed and damaged. I know it is; even though the CT scans will beg to differ.

I wake up day in day out having slept horribly. I just go through the day thinking “Yeah just get through with it. I’ll properly deal with everything after I have relaxed.” What that relaxing period is, I don’t know. But what I truly need is a day or two away from everything. A day or two away from my room, my house, away from Islamabad, away from everything associated with Islamabad which remind me of all the things that “I am supposed to be doing”. I’m very very very exhausted. I don’t think I can study anymore. Even the slightest pressure annoys me and I burst out in anger because I just can’t take anymore. I need a break DESPERATELY. Can I see a way of getting it? No. But all I know is that if I don’t get this break, I will fail horribly in all my tests because I just can’t take any more of this “studying”. I have been abused too long. I need a little time before I start getting abused again.

Temporary outlet: Books and music. Good enough? A Little.

I can’t believe I stopped listening to music. It’s so relieving. I’ll be listening to the light shallow pop crap. AND GUESS WHAT OMG!!!!! (Yes, It is an occasion worth 5 exclamation marks) Remember how I wanted to find a dump of books from which I would find gem-worthy-books for the cheapest prices and I wanted it SO BAD that it hurt? MY WISH CAME TRUEEEEEEEEEE! AND MY HAPPINESS KNEW NO BOUNDS! ANY BOOK FOR JUST 100RS!!!!! (yes, worth 5 exclamation marks again). And guess where? Not in some dump in Aabparah or Rawalpindi but in the very fancy very shmancy: Centaurus.

Level of wish-coming-true: TOO DAMN HIGH.

Oh I say we are grand aren’t we?

Oh oh no more buttered scones for me mate’ I’m off to play tha GRAAAND PIYANO. Pardon me while I fly my AEYRO’PLAYN!

Day 394: Love Monty Python.

Under The Influence of A Very Michael Palin

I'm so glad that I can look back and say that I have travelled to some extent. I've been to Hunza and Karachi. It's fun to know that I have travelled to the two extremes of Pakistan. And saying "MY GOD IT WAS SO MUCH FUN" would be an understatement.

I have to thank my mom of course. She is the best travelling partner anyone can ever ask for. She has the same enthusiasm for seeing things as I do so there is none of that "ooo it is dangerous we should not go". She is a bold, fearless and an open hearted traveller. I love having her as my travel companion. The best part: She takes the kind of pictures that I love. Just random pictures capturing the mood of the moment. No time wasted posing and crapping.

My mom is just the most perfect package of human companionship. She lets me shout at her, she gets me every single thing that I dream of, she listens to me, she supports me, she is my bestest friend she is my everything. Literally. In this world, she is my everything. I don't feel the need for anything else. She is the most frustratingly self-less person I have ever seen in my life. I'm not saying this because she is my mom. I'm saying this because sometimes it's annoying to see her be so nice. She lets me joke with her and mock her but she never mocks me. I think she is crazy. It's retarded how much she loves me. She just never loses her temper at me. Except sometimes. She is always praising me. 

She has spoilt me and has turned me into a narcissistic asshole. And I love her for that.  

Moms really do make the best of friends don't they? Because you are one hundred percent sure that they will always be there for you and will always help you make the best out of life.

Now that I think about it, in this world of randomness and extreme unreliability (of even a father's love which I'm told is reliable but I call BULLOCKS!) the only thing I truly believe in with all my heart is a mother's love. For me, it's the most solid and sure fact of life.

It's Really Important To Make This Announcement

I'm not going to recheck my posts for possible grammatical and spelling errors because:

1. I don't want to.

2. I don't want to

3. I don't want to

Adventures of Sir Massachussen

I did go up to the roof 4 in the morning today. I also got super pissed and cleaned the shit out of my room. 

It's so amazing to see the sun shining. I had to climb to the highest point in my house because there are building and walls all around which block the view of everything beautiful. I remember taking guests to the roof and give them a tour of semi-northern Pakistan: "To your left lie the hills of Murree. In front of you is a tiny farm full of corn plants which we used to nick corn out of about a million years ago. Up ahead are the hills of Bani Gala and right on top you can see Imran Khan's glamorous abode. At two 'o' clock you can almost see the lights of Rawalpindi (You could also see that massive "Waves" lighted billboard, I don't know what they are called, which was located in Faizabad. It appeared as a bright red dot going on and off and regular intervals. I never thought I could see something as far away as that billboard was, from my house but then I went to Faizabad and noticed that the lights of that Waves billboard were in perfect coordination with the little red dot I could see from my house.) On your right lies Islamabad and right behind you are the majestic Margalla hills. That little trail of light that you can see are the street light on the road to Shakarpariya." But today: "On your left hand side you have a delightful brick wall right in your face which gives you a first hand experience on how it feel like to be in a prison. In front you have some buildings and no farms. On your right are some more buildings. And behind you,yes. Believe it or not, some more buildings."

Anyways. I climbed up to the highest part of my house. Climbing was fun. Made me miss those days when I started rock climbing and felt so blissfully exhausted at the end of each days  because its a strenuous thrilling exercise. Wish I could do it again. But not with this knee I suppose. Don't you just hate prolonged injuries?

It was dark but the half moon was bright enough. And behold! There were the glittering hills of Murree which always had been there but tucked out of sight. According to my estimations, the sun would come up from about two to three inches right of Murree hills (eyes closed measurements done by fingers). I was sure of it because last time I tried to hunt for the rising sun westward.

The sky started lightening up and surprisingly because of the contrast of fifty shades of blue, that lone star on the horizon looked even more beautiful and shiny. 

The coolest part was that when I rotated 360`, I could observe a very interesting merger of colours - Light blue, dark blue, indigo, indigo pierced by the yellow of diffusing city light, indigo, dark blue and light blue - like a palette of blue in the skies.

Then there was the loud resounding noise of chirping birds which give nothing but peace to an unsettled mind. Took me back to that day in Murree and Challas. So peaceful. Then I remembered how unsettled I was even in the presence of such a peaceful atmosphere. I guess I really am always unsettled and disturbed.

So that was it.

A Bite Of Lemon Sandwich Which Is An Ironic Biscuit

I can picture myself 20 years in the future living with an abusive husband and fifteen nasty shitty kids; slowly dying of cancer and misery. That day I'll look back and say I should have learnt all the dry tests and 2 confirmatory tests for each of the 37 salts I'm supposed to be learning for my chemistry practical right now. That day, I'll truly realize the importance of education.

Till then I'm a mentally exhausted inadequate retard.

Do my hopes of becoming a doctor seem slimmer everyday? Yes. Do I have a back up plan? No.

I just want to be like Dr. Graham Chapman.

Maybe I should take advantage of the situation and go up on the roof and observe dawn. Fresh air might do me some good? I do feel as if my lungs are filled with stale air.

In a perfect world: Sleep early. Wake up at fajr. Offer my prayers. Wait for the sky to lighten just a bit. Then go out for a walk in the park in front of my house. Just get some fresh air in my lungs. Feel refreshed. Maybe cycle a little in my cycle. Listen to the birds. And not be so fucking miserable.

But who gets perfection in this life eh?
It's a lifetime supply of stale air for me I think.

It's four in the morning already and I hate the idea of going to bed because that would mean that I'll wake up tomorrow (which is the morning of today) and will have to study for my chemistry practical day after tomorrow (which actually is just tomorrow). I just don't want this day of not studying to end. That's how much I hate studying.