I want to write more and I want to keep writing. I want to write and write and write until I once again start feeling like myself again, like I wasn't just a fragment of my own being.
And I just don't want to write about what is happening in my life. I want to write about what I am feeling and thinking, not about things that are happening in my life, but about things that are just out there untouched, that used to be a part of my thought processes. Like listening to songs and writing about how they made me feel.
There are more things out there but what are those things?
How do I find myself again? Do I go travelling? Put myself at that discomfort and see if I can discover myself in the process? Or do I just stay put, hoping something will happen?
I am feeling a little better, every day.
Though I wonder if they could have made the medicine a little less bitter.
Saturday, 20 October 2018
To smell the Flowers
As I sit in my room which I refuse to light up because for some reason I prefer the calmness of a dark room, I think back to what my first year Urdu HASS teach Sir Asif Aslam Farrukhi had said in our last class together.
He said,
"Don't forget to smell the flowers"
I understood him, albeit differently than I understand him now.
Back then, I thought he was talking about the importance of just smelling the flowers, being in tune with nature and being in tune with your own humanity. It felt like it was a choice that we will have to make, and I was ready to do it. To spend a moment with my humanity, as an add on to all the other things that I will indulge in to sustain my life.
But today, as I sit in my room recovering from a particular dip in my life, I feel his words differently. I have mostly been curious as to how it started. When and how did my dip start? Always pays off to have a virtual boyfriend who can be your mirror and sounding board. I was venting out to him and he simply said,
"Its when you started spending all your time only studying babe."
It made sense. It was all gradually going downhill, maybe inevitably, when Bilal's bike broke down and I did not have something to look forward to on my Sundays. Those hours that I kind of looked forward to talking to my virtual boyfriend also became uncertain and boiled down to weeks of absence, because well, such is life, and my days off just became days that I was still worried about things. And then came exam season, and I took my free days away from me.
In conclusion, I lost myself.
I lost myself bad. Everything that I loved and held close to my heart, everything that was me, I kept putting it off because "I had to study". I put all my eggs in this one basket, and the hopes attached to that basket just kept increasing, I was hoping that this one basket will give me the validation that I needed, my expectations just kept rising, and in the end, the basket crashed under the weight of my own expectations.
I wasn't writing, because I didn't have the time. I wasn't reading, because no time. I wasn't practicing Spanish like I wanted to I just wasn't doing much.
And so I think my mind and body started rebelling. It had to come to this point for me to realize what I had been doing to myself.
Which is why I am sitting in my room reminding myself of what Sir Asif Farrukhi had said four years ago,
"Don't forget to smell the flowers"
And right now, I feel like it was never a choice that I had to choose from. It was a need. An inherent need to connect with my humanity, without which my soul (if I may) will rebel. It will act out against the deprivation that I was inflicting upon it.
I don't know how I will continue from here, but I do know that maybe realizing this much about myself is tiny steps towards feeling better. I don't know how I will manage, or what I will do, or how I will think, but I do know that right now, I just need to slow down, and smell the flowers.
He said,
"Don't forget to smell the flowers"
I understood him, albeit differently than I understand him now.
Back then, I thought he was talking about the importance of just smelling the flowers, being in tune with nature and being in tune with your own humanity. It felt like it was a choice that we will have to make, and I was ready to do it. To spend a moment with my humanity, as an add on to all the other things that I will indulge in to sustain my life.
But today, as I sit in my room recovering from a particular dip in my life, I feel his words differently. I have mostly been curious as to how it started. When and how did my dip start? Always pays off to have a virtual boyfriend who can be your mirror and sounding board. I was venting out to him and he simply said,
"Its when you started spending all your time only studying babe."
It made sense. It was all gradually going downhill, maybe inevitably, when Bilal's bike broke down and I did not have something to look forward to on my Sundays. Those hours that I kind of looked forward to talking to my virtual boyfriend also became uncertain and boiled down to weeks of absence, because well, such is life, and my days off just became days that I was still worried about things. And then came exam season, and I took my free days away from me.
In conclusion, I lost myself.
I lost myself bad. Everything that I loved and held close to my heart, everything that was me, I kept putting it off because "I had to study". I put all my eggs in this one basket, and the hopes attached to that basket just kept increasing, I was hoping that this one basket will give me the validation that I needed, my expectations just kept rising, and in the end, the basket crashed under the weight of my own expectations.
I wasn't writing, because I didn't have the time. I wasn't reading, because no time. I wasn't practicing Spanish like I wanted to I just wasn't doing much.
And so I think my mind and body started rebelling. It had to come to this point for me to realize what I had been doing to myself.
Which is why I am sitting in my room reminding myself of what Sir Asif Farrukhi had said four years ago,
"Don't forget to smell the flowers"
And right now, I feel like it was never a choice that I had to choose from. It was a need. An inherent need to connect with my humanity, without which my soul (if I may) will rebel. It will act out against the deprivation that I was inflicting upon it.
I don't know how I will continue from here, but I do know that maybe realizing this much about myself is tiny steps towards feeling better. I don't know how I will manage, or what I will do, or how I will think, but I do know that right now, I just need to slow down, and smell the flowers.
Friday, 19 October 2018
A Radical Notion
Well, it's been quite some time since I last wrote.
It feels good coming back to this blog. Right now, when I feel like I am only a remnant of what I used to be as a person, it feels good to come back to something that I used to do, that made me feel good.
What I have been so far, I probably shouldn't discuss. I have done enough of that in the past few weeks, with myself, and everyone around me. Maybe it is time to start doing new things all over again.
I am a loss to see what will come ahead, but I guess I can also be curious about it. I am familiar with the darkness before sunlight.
Anyways, I don't think I came back here to indulge in some real life banter. I am here to reminisce about times gone. When I stressed and worried but it feels good to think about those times because they are gone.
I miss Mr. Monty to be very honest. It was quite a treat to be so in love with him, and to grasp on to him in times of despair as my only source of happiness. Mr. Monty was good to me. It feels good to remind myself of what I was, of all the things that I have forgotten.
It feels good to be back. It feels good to indulge in myself. It feels good to hear myself again.
Maybe I should listen to a song and write about it like I used to. Let's give it a try and see if I still got it huh? I want to feel that joy again
Song: The Sound by 1975
Tap, tap, tap
the music is on
I see your head bobbing
I see your shoulders moving
Grab my hand
Let's, you and me,
rock to this band
Let's, you and me,
move in unison
Let's, you and me,
laugh and dance
This dance floor
was built for you and me
It felt good to indulge in this. To listen to a song, close my eyes and see what it makes me feel and think and then write about it. It feels good to have this little space where I can unapologetically be myself and just do something that is not means to an end. I am doing it just because I am doing it.
It is only becoming apparent to me that I lost myself - in my studies, in my work, in my worries for the future, in everything. But one can't do that for very long without having your insides scream at you. This one, this time, yet again, was me telling myself that I am ignoring myself. I am not exactly sure how to rebuild myself or what I will do tomorrow, or how I will go about things, but maybe something else is to come, which requires me to feel this way for now. And it will be okay I guess.
I will indulge a little more in me. That much I know. Read books for sure.
It feels good coming back to this blog. Right now, when I feel like I am only a remnant of what I used to be as a person, it feels good to come back to something that I used to do, that made me feel good.
What I have been so far, I probably shouldn't discuss. I have done enough of that in the past few weeks, with myself, and everyone around me. Maybe it is time to start doing new things all over again.
I am a loss to see what will come ahead, but I guess I can also be curious about it. I am familiar with the darkness before sunlight.
Anyways, I don't think I came back here to indulge in some real life banter. I am here to reminisce about times gone. When I stressed and worried but it feels good to think about those times because they are gone.
I miss Mr. Monty to be very honest. It was quite a treat to be so in love with him, and to grasp on to him in times of despair as my only source of happiness. Mr. Monty was good to me. It feels good to remind myself of what I was, of all the things that I have forgotten.
It feels good to be back. It feels good to indulge in myself. It feels good to hear myself again.
Maybe I should listen to a song and write about it like I used to. Let's give it a try and see if I still got it huh? I want to feel that joy again
Song: The Sound by 1975
Tap, tap, tap
the music is on
I see your head bobbing
I see your shoulders moving
Grab my hand
Let's, you and me,
rock to this band
Let's, you and me,
move in unison
Let's, you and me,
laugh and dance
This dance floor
was built for you and me
It felt good to indulge in this. To listen to a song, close my eyes and see what it makes me feel and think and then write about it. It feels good to have this little space where I can unapologetically be myself and just do something that is not means to an end. I am doing it just because I am doing it.
It is only becoming apparent to me that I lost myself - in my studies, in my work, in my worries for the future, in everything. But one can't do that for very long without having your insides scream at you. This one, this time, yet again, was me telling myself that I am ignoring myself. I am not exactly sure how to rebuild myself or what I will do tomorrow, or how I will go about things, but maybe something else is to come, which requires me to feel this way for now. And it will be okay I guess.
I will indulge a little more in me. That much I know. Read books for sure.
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