A Radical Notion

Well, it's been quite some time since I last wrote.

It feels good coming back to this blog. Right now, when I feel like I am only a remnant of what I used to be as a person, it feels good to come back to something that I used to do, that made me feel good.

What I have been so far, I probably shouldn't discuss. I have done enough of that in the past few weeks, with myself, and everyone around me. Maybe it is time to start doing new things all over again.

I am a loss to see what will come ahead, but I guess I can also be curious about it. I am familiar with the darkness before sunlight.

Anyways, I don't think I came back here to indulge in some real life banter. I am here to reminisce about times gone. When I stressed and worried but it feels good to think about those times because they are gone.

I miss Mr. Monty to be very honest. It was quite a treat to be so in love with him, and to grasp on to him in times of despair as my only source of happiness. Mr. Monty was good to me. It feels good to remind myself of what I was, of all the things that I have forgotten.

It feels good to be back. It feels good to indulge in myself. It feels good to hear myself again.

Maybe I should listen to a song and write about it like I used to. Let's give it a try and see if I still got it huh? I want to feel that joy again

Song: The Sound by 1975

Tap, tap, tap
the music is on
I see your head bobbing
I see your shoulders moving
Grab my hand
Let's, you and me,
rock to this band
Let's, you and me,
move in unison
Let's, you and me,
laugh and dance
This dance floor
was built for you and me

It felt good to indulge in this. To listen to a song, close my eyes and see what it makes me feel and think and then write about it. It feels good to have this little space where I can unapologetically be myself and just do something that is not means to an end. I am doing it just because I am doing it.

It is only becoming apparent to me that I lost myself - in my studies, in my work, in my worries for the future, in everything. But one can't do that for very long without having your insides scream at you. This one, this time, yet again, was me telling myself that I am ignoring myself. I am not exactly sure how to rebuild myself or what I will do tomorrow, or how I will go about things, but maybe something else is to come, which requires me to feel this way for now. And it will be okay I guess.

I will indulge a little more in me. That much I know. Read books for sure.

Of Cauterized Human Flesh

The more time I spend in the field of medicine, the more I respect it. 

Who said it was easy to bear the smell of cauterized human flesh?

Or work eight to eight?

Or make sure that your patient is not left wanting for anything?

Or stand long hours giving another human the best chance of survival?

Or breaking bad news?

Or knowing that despite knowing all that you do, despite learning all that you have learnt, you still have limited power in controlling the outcome of your patients well being?

Or learning to maintain the delicate balance between compassion and apathy to preserve your own being just so you can do all this again the next day and again and again?

But I wouldn't have it any other way.

On Melancholia

There is this thing about learning from a young age, that you are not entitled to happiness, It's very melancholic and very sombre. That, I imagine to be the true form of life. I envy the joys of not growing up with this melancholia, but I also know that it hits everyone one day or another. I just don't know how beneficial it is to get hit by it at a younger age: does it equip you to deal with melancholia much better later on in life, or does it just increase your exposure time to it in this lifetime?

 It gets overwhelming at times.

There are periods of decreased melancholia to balance out periods of severe melancholia. Perhaps that is an unfair way to describe it. Maybe a more fair way to describe it would be to say "There are periods of stable joy to balance out the periods of melancholia" because even though I currently feel overwhelmed by it, I cannot deny myself the recognition of the times when I felt stable joy and peace.

The reminder of this balance in life is important, especially now, when I feel so overwhelmed by it. And I know that I am overwhelmed because it is manifesting itself by a questionable belief that I have ALWAYS felt like this; that it has ALWAYS consumed me.

Isn't it strange to be so consumed by melancholia momentarily that you forget what it felt like to not be consumed by it? How can it, and why even does it, have to power to be so consuming? So completely enveloping that you forget every other moment of joy that you have ever felt?

I am told that in moments like these only you can give yourself hope. True. I can. And I do believe that I am now better equipped than I ever was to not let it fully consume me. I am just surprised by the momentary power of it. I can work to reverse it's effects, but the power it has, I just want to take this moment to acknowledge it.

The One That Externally Validates

I was scrolling through snapchat (if "scrolling" is what you do in snapchat) and I came across this gem and it immediately felt SO GOOD to read these. SO. GOOD. It feels nice to know that these feelings and expectations are real and it is not a construct of my brain looking for attention (yes I know thinking like this is complete bullshit, but this self-stigma is always there and almost always accompanied with guilt)

P.S: It's not exclusive to your potential suitors only. It's for everyone.

http://www.refinery29.com/how-to-date-someone-with-mental-illness#slide-1

Here are some of my favourites:

Special emphasis on "IF I COULD MAKE IT BETTER, I WOULD HAVE. I DON'T LIKE LIVING LIKE THIS"

I also like "When there is time to relax, my stress evaporates". Makes me glad I'm going home for eid.

I started reading my old posts and goodness gracious me I got through FSc. If I can get through FSc, I can get through this. I WILL get through this. This is NOTHING as compared to FSc. I WILL GET THROUGH THIS. I WILL STUDY FOR MY SECOND YEAR MBBS PROFF IN TWO WEEKS AND PASS THE EXAM. I HAVE DONE FSC HOW DARE I THINK I WON'T PASS THIS?

You know that's the effect of having super competent and smart-ass people around me all the time. Obviously I can't be as good as they are, I just end up feeling like I am not doing much at all, which is not true. I'm glad I have this blog so I can go back in time and see how I have gotten through some stuff, so I'll be able to get through this too.

The One With The Inability To Function

Well okay. Let's talk about this one.

Loss of ability to enjoy things. Loss of interest in things which usually interest me. Tired. Stressed out. Can't do much, not because I feel like I don't want to, but because honestly, I just can't bring myself to do it. Not liking waking up in the morning and lamenting the fact that I can't spend the entire day sleeping in oblivion. Feeling of heart constantly sinking. Feeling of sadness emanating from the core of my being. Constant reminder of all the past shit-ass experiences. Guilt over the fact that maybe it's my fault that I'm not doing enough (kind of enforced by people when they tell me that I need to change the way I think).

You know what sucks? I don't want to be like this. No one would want to be like this. I would have liked to just be able to study and get good grades and enjoy life. No one would choose to not be happy and satisfied with life without a solid reason. And it kind of sucks when people tell you to "do it differently and do it right" or "try a new approach to life".

The truth is I have tried things. I tried what my counselor suggested: study a little and achieve your tiny goals per day so the rewarding system in your brain is activated and you start enjoying your studies again. Tried it over and over again. I am still unable to achieve the ultimate goal: develop a momentum and start studying properly again. It's been more than three weeks and believe me it's not that I haven't tried. I have tried getting away, I have tried "changing the way I think" or "my approach" to life.

Yes I do believe it is stress induced. But I don't like the pattern associated with it. I don't like how sometimes I can manage things so well but the other times I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't like how when I am in a proper state of mind, I can just do things so easily and calmly but when I am not, then the smallest of tasks become the hardest thing to do in this world.

But of all these things, I just don't like how everyone just gets into a conciliatory position and recommends the changes I should make in my schedule, in the way I handle things and the way I think. I get it. They are just trying to help. But no. I don't wan't that. It always makes me feel worse. I know people are just trying to "push me into achieving better goals" but sometimes, you don't need the "push to achieve better". You just need the encouragement that whatever you are doing is more than enough for someone for whom just getting up from the bed is the hardest thing to do. You need encouragement that it is a HUGE deal that you got out of bed today. You don't need a constant reminder of how you "have to get out of bed and do other stuff". This is one of the reasons I choose to seclude myself from people when I am feeling like this.

Ultimate dream: Someone just comes up to me, hugs me, and tells me that they know I am trying my best to work with what I have and that it is not my fault that I feel this way, but what ever I am doing, I am managing well. I don't feel like this because of a lack of trying. I feel like this because unfortunately, it's what is happening inside my head. I am trying my best, I honestly am. I am not a lazy irresponsible person and honestly, I love studying. I enjoy it so much. But right now, I just can't bring myself to do it.

I am glad that I have become more self aware, thanks to my past experience with depression. Atleast now I can figure out the signs and symptoms and be kind to myself.

One other thing that is currently happening is, wait I don't know how to put it into words. Okay. The realization that people can't help you. I already have a profound understanding of this that only you can help yourself. But this knowledge brings a certain feeling of loneliness with it. I have some amazing friends who make it easier for me to deal with such things, but I know currently they are all busy studying themselves. So it's equal parts I don't want to bother them; they can't really help much anyways and that I can't keep bothering them again and again anyways. See here is the thing: it's like such states of mind force you into seclusion with such thoughts. In my content state of mind, knowing that I have such amazing people around me makes me so happy but right now, it doesn't contribute much to my happiness because I don't see the point of it. This one is slightly hard to explain because I can see them trying to be good friends and it always makes me happy, but that happiness is always momentary. So it's not that people around me aren't doing enough. It's just that there is something wrong in my head.

So that's what it's like inside my head right now. It feels good to put a piece of me out there for the world to see (nods to the imaginary fan base) in a private, yet not-so-private way. It "momentarily" feels good to share. I guess the hope here is that maybe someone out there will understand and relate to what I'm currently feeling and maybe someone will tell me that it will be okay. I know it will be. It just always helps to get it validated from someone outside my head. And maybe if there is someone out there who happens to feel the same way, it'll be nice if they can relate to it too. That's it for today then.

Hambuga'

This one goes out to all my followers; my source of strength; my imaginary fan base:

Thank you for your constant support and encouragement. This blog would not have achieved the popularity heights had it not been for you guys keeping up with my life with such unadulterated enthusiasm. Keeping Up With The Kardashians? No. Keeping Up With The Blog.

You guys do best what you are meant to do - be imaginary. And for that, I thank you guys!

Lots of love.