Friday, 15 November 2013
El Tigre Chino
Dedicated to the greatest war-lord in the history of television:
Eating sisters in utero since 1969
| BEN CHANG / KEVIN | |
| AKA "SEÑOR CHANG", "EL TIGRE CHINO", "SGT. CHANG" Reasons why Chang is too great for words: He learned Spanish from Sesame Street which he used to fake his way to a career as a Spanish teacher at Greendale Chang's hobbies include paintball, playing keytar, and riding his scooter; he used to swim regularly at the local YMCA. He once gave himself the nickname "El Tigre Chino" (Spanish for "The Chinese Tiger") claiming that his "knowledge will bite your face off.  Chang was finally fired after it was discovered that he didn't have a teaching degree. Dean Pelton then said to him that it is not racist to ask if an Asian man has qualifications to teach Spanish. Chang is particularly disturbing towards Annie, who he always gets uncomfortably close to her.  Ben plays paintball three times a week and owns his own equipment, consisting of a full automatic with a tiger camo print and two golden pistols. Ben is born in 1969 that means he was 16 or 17 years old when he began teaching at Greendale. He is my hero. http://community-sitcom.wikia.com/wiki/Ben_Chang |
Going sherlock on Sherlock
Okay let me be very clear on something before I start. I DID NOT watch the whole of Sherlock series so I don't really know the exact details of the entire history between Sherlock and Moriarty. I just watched the last episode of the second season and it intrigued me so much so I went sherlock on Sherlock..
I started by carefully scanning the screen shots of the part when he jumps from the hospital building and I have reached my conclusion: Sherlock really did jump from the building. But he never hit the pavement directly.
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index9.html
If you follow the link and carefully observe the pictures in the first four rows you'll understand what I mean. The first two rows of pictures very clearly show Sherlock falling with him in direct view. But in the third row the second picture shows Sherlock falling out of the screen view. The third picture is just a screen shot of the building and the fourth picture shows the pavement. Nothing so special about those shots right? WRONG! (I love saying it like that)
The fourth picture shows the portion of the pavement where Sherlock should have fallen but it's empty AKA Sherlock never fell directly on the pavement.
How could John not see that?
Simply explained. If you follow the next series of screen shots you will observe John looking UPWARDS. i.e he was watching Sherlock while he was in the PROCESS of falling down. He didn't actually get to see Sherlock hit the ground because he was knocked over by the cyclist. That's why you never really get to see John looking down on the ground. Before getting knocked down, John's eyes never came to the level where he could see the pavement and given that John's eyes were on Sherlock the whole time, one can conclude that these screen shots of John do not take place after Sherlock has jumped but actually take place simultaneously, and at the precise moment when Sherlock 'touched base' John was knocked over so he never really saw where Sherlock fell.
Also,
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index10.html
if you observe Sherlock's position on the pavement, it's in front of the second bench to the left. But again, in link 1, the area in front the the bench to the left is empty. So Sherlock never fell directly on the pavement.
So where did Sherlock fall?
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index10.html
Observe the third and fourth rows. The pictures show a truck full of shoppers in front of Sherlock. I think that's where Sherlock fell. Stuffed shoppers can easily dampen his fall from that height leaving him uninjured and he could have easily rolled our of the truck onto the pavement to play dead.
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index10.html
Observe the second, third, fourth and fifth rows. You can see the truck leaving in the far top right side of the screen shots. So after Sherlock fell, the truck quickly moved away so no one would be able to link Sherlock's fall to a soft landing. Everyone's attention to it's brief presence is eclipsed by a man falling from the building.
How did Sherlock get time to put up blood?
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index10.html
Notice how John is still down when people start gathering around in the last four rows? They block his view of Sherlock. Gives you plenty of time to garnish yourself in blood doesn't it?
Though the blood on the pavement could have been set up already. Remember how Sherlock wanted John to keep his eyes on him all the time and not look around? While Sherlock distracted John with his "emotional" farewell and pathetically bland lies, someone could have been throwing some blood around on the pavement.
One more proof that supports my theory (I read it somewhere else, I forgot where, but its NOT my observation):
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index9.html
First three rows show Sherlock falling face down. But,
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index11.html
In these pictures Sherlock's position is sideways. Shouldn't he have landed like he was falling? (Now this is my theory:) Sideways could be the resulting position of having quickly rolled out of the truck and onto the pavement (given that maybe he didn't have the time to change his position to face downwards).
IN CONCLUSION:
Sherlock fell in the truck, landed on the shoppers, rolled out onto the pavement were the blood was already thrown and played dead.
It was a well-timed, well-conducted little theatrical gesture of death.
P.S: I feel really REALLY sure of my theory. So sure that I even took up a bet on it with my movie-buddy. Even then, maybe I am missing out something. So if anyone has an opposing argument or some unexplained phenomenon please do let me know I would love to go all sherlock on it and find a good reason
P.S.S: I'm going to try the hash tagging thing. Let's see if it works.
#sherlockdidn'tdie #howsherlockfakedhisdeath #sherlock
I started by carefully scanning the screen shots of the part when he jumps from the hospital building and I have reached my conclusion: Sherlock really did jump from the building. But he never hit the pavement directly.
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index9.html
If you follow the link and carefully observe the pictures in the first four rows you'll understand what I mean. The first two rows of pictures very clearly show Sherlock falling with him in direct view. But in the third row the second picture shows Sherlock falling out of the screen view. The third picture is just a screen shot of the building and the fourth picture shows the pavement. Nothing so special about those shots right? WRONG! (I love saying it like that)
The fourth picture shows the portion of the pavement where Sherlock should have fallen but it's empty AKA Sherlock never fell directly on the pavement.
How could John not see that?
Simply explained. If you follow the next series of screen shots you will observe John looking UPWARDS. i.e he was watching Sherlock while he was in the PROCESS of falling down. He didn't actually get to see Sherlock hit the ground because he was knocked over by the cyclist. That's why you never really get to see John looking down on the ground. Before getting knocked down, John's eyes never came to the level where he could see the pavement and given that John's eyes were on Sherlock the whole time, one can conclude that these screen shots of John do not take place after Sherlock has jumped but actually take place simultaneously, and at the precise moment when Sherlock 'touched base' John was knocked over so he never really saw where Sherlock fell.
Also,
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index10.html
if you observe Sherlock's position on the pavement, it's in front of the second bench to the left. But again, in link 1, the area in front the the bench to the left is empty. So Sherlock never fell directly on the pavement.
So where did Sherlock fall?
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index10.html
Observe the third and fourth rows. The pictures show a truck full of shoppers in front of Sherlock. I think that's where Sherlock fell. Stuffed shoppers can easily dampen his fall from that height leaving him uninjured and he could have easily rolled our of the truck onto the pavement to play dead.
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index10.html
Observe the second, third, fourth and fifth rows. You can see the truck leaving in the far top right side of the screen shots. So after Sherlock fell, the truck quickly moved away so no one would be able to link Sherlock's fall to a soft landing. Everyone's attention to it's brief presence is eclipsed by a man falling from the building.
How did Sherlock get time to put up blood?
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index10.html
Notice how John is still down when people start gathering around in the last four rows? They block his view of Sherlock. Gives you plenty of time to garnish yourself in blood doesn't it?
Though the blood on the pavement could have been set up already. Remember how Sherlock wanted John to keep his eyes on him all the time and not look around? While Sherlock distracted John with his "emotional" farewell and pathetically bland lies, someone could have been throwing some blood around on the pavement.
One more proof that supports my theory (I read it somewhere else, I forgot where, but its NOT my observation):
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index9.html
First three rows show Sherlock falling face down. But,
http://sc.aithine.org/sherlock/203/25/index11.html
In these pictures Sherlock's position is sideways. Shouldn't he have landed like he was falling? (Now this is my theory:) Sideways could be the resulting position of having quickly rolled out of the truck and onto the pavement (given that maybe he didn't have the time to change his position to face downwards).
IN CONCLUSION:
Sherlock fell in the truck, landed on the shoppers, rolled out onto the pavement were the blood was already thrown and played dead.
It was a well-timed, well-conducted little theatrical gesture of death.
P.S: I feel really REALLY sure of my theory. So sure that I even took up a bet on it with my movie-buddy. Even then, maybe I am missing out something. So if anyone has an opposing argument or some unexplained phenomenon please do let me know I would love to go all sherlock on it and find a good reason
P.S.S: I'm going to try the hash tagging thing. Let's see if it works.
#sherlockdidn'tdie #howsherlockfakedhisdeath #sherlock
Pasta Shasta
So the other day I threw a "Pasta-tantrum" and my mom bought
me all kinds of pastas.
One of those boxes had a picture of what looked like a plate full of
biryani and I was obviously surprised. A billion questions rushed into my head.
Why is there a picture of biryani on this box of pasta? Does this box have
biryani in it? If it has a plate full of biryani why does it feel so light?
Does this box have specially-modified-rice in it? Did I throw a rice-tantrum
today? Obviously not so what is this rice-related box doing here? Should I kill
the ant creeping up my hand or should I just shrug it off? Why are the
mosquitoes today so retardedly huge? Are they a mutation released upon the
present human race by aliens to gradually finish us off so they can take over
our planet and utilize its resources to breed their young ones which grow in
little mechanical uteri? Mechanical uteri. I wonder how those would work.
As I looked for answers in that box, my mind was shitted upon.
It was pasta. RICE-shaped-pasta.
Seriously. What is up with the rice shaped pasta? Here is a random
idea. If you want to eat something rice shaped, how about you eat RICE? But I
don't know. That sounds like an obviously retarded suggestion. I mean who eats
rice when they want to eat something rice shaped? It's too main-steam.
What exactly was the manufacturer's dilemma? They wanted to fulfil
the demands of customers who liked being conned into thinking that they are
eating rice?
What exactly could it be used for? Maybe you could plan an elaborate
revenge on those fat judgemental aunties? You call them over for a grand dinner.
Got everything on your table but the main course is biryani. Aunties sit.
Aunties load up their plates full of promising rice-y goodness. Insert first
bite. BAM! IT'S NOT BIRYANI! Aunties' mind shitted upon. Not so judgemental now
right? WRONG! They judge your rice for tasting like pasta.
It's completely silly.
P.S: All insults aside, it's actually fun to eat rice shaped pasta.
They feel like little drops of stuff-that-pasta-is-made-from which slip around
in your mouth as you try to chew on them (slippery little suckers). It's like
little partay in yo’ mouth with your food jumping here and there spreading
taste all over turning it into a fiesta of taste.
P.S.S: I would like to apologize for using the term "fiesta of
taste". No one talks like that without exaggerated facial expressions and
hand movements to go with it.
Monday, 14 October 2013
Sadistically Spitting again
Ever been in one of those moments when you hate humans? Just
completely hate them without any reason? And it makes you SO GLAD that you are
not too dependent on them and if they get removed from your life, it will have
the least bit of affect on you because you will just move on and live a happy
independent life? And just the thought of being alone makes you weirdly
deliriously happy?
And then people being so nice and understanding all the time
makes it even worse. I mean fine, I get how none of us can live without human
company and we do depend on each other more than we like to admit but
seriously, will you not even give me the pleasure to whine about how nasty the
stupid human species is? That’s just pure evil.
And this world. WHAT IS UP WITH THE STUPID SUNSHINE AND
CHIRPING BIRDS? And why are people always trying to help? EVER HEARD OF
DISTURBING PEOPLE SO YOU CAN HAVE THE PLEASURE OF HEARING THEM WHINE? Idiots.
It’s like all the niceness in the world is a rainbow shitting
unicorn who is punching and kicking the goth out of me with a smile and a
flower. It just won’t let me have an excuse to hate the world and be horrible
and miserable. FRIGGIN UNICORN.
LET ME BE STUPID NICE UNICORN OF OPTIMISM LET ME LIVE IN THE DARKNESS OF
THE MEAN HORRIBLE NASTY UNDERWORLD OF ALL THAT IS EVIL WHY MUST YOU COME AND
BRIGHTEN THINGS UP? STUPID UNICORN YOU GO ROT IN HELL. Or don’t. Stupid
unicorn’s probably going to spread hope and happiness there too. YOU STAY OUT OF
THE HELL YOU STUPID UNICORN! YOU STAY THE DAMN OUT OF HELL!
Or you know what? Fine. Block out the only vent through
which my evilness can escape. Ever seen “Me, Myself and Irene”? Don’t give me
an excuse to let it all out and then it will all pent up and one day it will
BLOW UP AND I’LL BE FULL-ON EVIL, SPREADING HATE AND MISERY IN THIS DAMNED
WORLD UNTIL EVERYONE HATES EVERYONE. WHAT WILL YOU DO THEN STUPID NICE UNICORN? WHAT WILL YOU DO THEN?
E’RRYBADY LOOK AT ME
Let’s just say, the present shits on that.
“Capturing the moment” has just lost its meaning. In an
album of more than three hundred pictures there will hardly be just a few which
make you smile and think of the story behind the picture, and prove that the
picture was indeed like a time capsule. The rest of them are like this:
Though I have to admit, these pictures do capture what we
want them to capture: the idea of how we think we are beautiful and we deserve
to be noticed so we’ll make people notice us. Obviously, what’s more satisfying
than twenty likes on your picture and a comment section full of:
“OMG SO PRETAAYYY <3”
“marry me.”
“hawtness”
“omg you’re so pretttyyyyy <3 WE NEED T MEET UP”
(Seriously, what is up with the you’re so pretty so we need to to meet up?)
“beesstttt <3”
“DP THIS” (followed by the actual dp-ing of the picture with
a description of “Because XYZ said so.” Because surely, you are so humble that
you would never have thought of dp-ing this picture if XYZ hadn’t said so
*major eye roll*)
All we want to do, while taking pictures, is show how
photogenic we are. There hardly ever is a desire to capture the fun moment.
Actually, it comes down to this: there hardly ever is a fun moment because
we’re always so busy taking pictures to capture our beauty. (Unless, you
describe taking good pictures as fun itself.) Like those pictures girls often
take with babies. They think it captures how much they love kids and have fun
with them but if you look closely, it’s very clear that they are so busy
pouting or posing for the camera that the poor kid is actually being ignored.
I miss those big pictures where everyone lined up
symmetrically with cheesy smiles on their faces to make sure that this one
picture is worth it. And it really did become worth it. Because now, if we look
at those pictures, we think about how, when and why they were taken and we
smile. But the way we take pictures today, how, when and why has only one
answer: because we were dressed pretty and we want to remind people that this
piece of hawt ass is ours. It’s okay to do it occasionally but seriously,
taking pictures with this attitude EVERY.SINGLE.TIME is a one way to disrespect
the art and reason of picture taking. As if it’s not the moment worth being
captured it’s just us. And that sucks.
We Be So Shallow.
Sunday, 22 September 2013
Saddistically Spitting
Apparently, me and my friends are going through this phase where we are discovering life and have all these optimistic ideas about life and love and what not. I wonder how long it's going to take for real life to kick in. And by real life I mean the life in which you have so many problems that you barely have time to think about crap like this.
Thinking crap like this makes us feel so wonderful. It gives us the confidence like we've got the secrets of life all figured out and we'll grow up to be different than our elders who are always complaining how life is so hard. *bitter sarcastic spiteful laugh* As if our lives will be any less harder or less wonderful than our elders.
P.S Dedicated to my friend who was shares my 'spitefulness' with me.
Thinking crap like this makes us feel so wonderful. It gives us the confidence like we've got the secrets of life all figured out and we'll grow up to be different than our elders who are always complaining how life is so hard. *bitter sarcastic spiteful laugh* As if our lives will be any less harder or less wonderful than our elders.
P.S Dedicated to my friend who was shares my 'spitefulness' with me.
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