One often finds oneself in a delimma most often brought upon by young age; but one eventually realizes that it is not that one's fellow species does not care. The facts are these: after their own lives, there is no spare care.
It is not self indulgence.
It is a fact of life.
And even if they did, when the sun goes down, one finds oneself looking through the darkness through ones own eyes only.
Ah. The loneliness of human existence.
P.s the kind of friendship and care that friends and other human beings show in movies and books show is highly over rated and largely untrue. What they can show is kindness. The difference between kindness and care is that care comes from somewhere inside your heart from a place reserved for others. Kindness comes from that place inside your heart which is reserved for your own satisfaction and we'll being. One could say that kindness is a selfish act which keeps the world at peace.
At my age you can find a friend too many to discuss your boyfriend problems with but when it gets real, one finds oneself strangely abandoned.
I would have said that if not ffriends, then your family will always have your back but that would also be largely untrue. And then if blood abandons blood then one can't really expect a stranger to care.
I think it's a little joke that life plays on you. In happiness, it gives you the comfort of knowing that people around you are there for a reason. And then it throws you in a pit and you find yourself falling all alone and you realize that human company is just an illusion. It all would have been okay if we could just accept the fact that when worst comes to worst we all really are alone. That could be the end of it but no. Life doesn't do easy life doesn't do simple. It gives you "HOPE". Foul play on life's part there because what happens is that you keep trying to depend on people HOPING that they will understand but they don't so now the reaffirmation of the fact that you're alone is accompanied by the pain of failure and regret. and there sits life on her throne of lifeness giving humans a taste of Ze Fallen 'Ope (chef speciality from the Kitchens Of Despair)
Life is strange. Actually it's not. What's strange is us humans trying to find a pattern of easy comfort in it. When in reality life is an acronym for
L = Let's
I = iFuck
F = fIt
E = eUp
P. S. S was reading Sisterhood of travelling pants and I revelled in its innocence. How Friends and sisters and even guys you just met cared for each other. Three books and a week of silent bitterness later I find myself rolling eyes at every instance of human care depicted in it. Doesn't ducking happen in real life. God knows how much I would like to be proven wrobg
Monday, 21 July 2014
Tuesday, 15 July 2014
Teenage angst part dos
There always is this turbulation and panic at the back of my head. I wonder if this unsettled feeling is a part of being human that only ends with death?
proposed solution: accept that life will always be chaotic and problematic. It is life after all .
But one still hopes for some peace and tranquility, for It is only human to hope.
proposed solution: accept that life will always be chaotic and problematic. It is life after all .
But one still hopes for some peace and tranquility, for It is only human to hope.
Monday, 14 July 2014
Adventures of Sir Massachusen Eight Years Into Puberty
Caution: the following post contains passages full of teenage angst . Not ssuitable for viewers sick of ccomplaining teenagers.
Double caution: if you still are a resilient little bastard, it is strongly advised that you lock up your doors and read this In a bomb shelter. The author hhasn't gotten used to the new phone and is so full of emotions that she won't notice a grammar mistake even if it danced in front of her wearing Dobby's tea cost. (yeah blame it on the "emotions",,*eyeye roll by imaginary fan base bitch*) anyways. The grammar nazi won't be pleased.
Let me start from the beginning. All my life I have felt as if I wasn't a part of the general human community. Maybe it's a general feeling or maybe my family problems were to blame. That I think I'll never know. It was always like the world around me were moving as a coven on the road of life rejoicing and sharing but I was on the sidelines, walking with the coven but away from it. Observing their festivities from a distance, smiling at their happiness but not exactly sharing it as a part of them. even when I tried to mix in I couldn't. There always was this feeling that on a certain level I couldn't connect with everyone else and they couldn't feel x and experience some of the things that I was Feeling.
The I made good friends and I started feeling like I wasn't so far away from the coven but I was and still am at a distance.
Recently, however, I decided that maybe I should give it a shot. "it" being what I think is a normal life. The life of a girl. The kind of life in which girls are taken care of by the male species. Mind you I love my independence, but for once I just wanted to feel the kind of security other girls felt because they have this male shadow in their lives. So in my head the attainment of such a life went hand in hand with being a girll. Sadly, the attempt at conforming to the typical stestereotype failed miserably. What's even worse is that I didn't fail because I wanted to. I failed because I couldn't do what was being asked of me.
First thing that this experiment made me realize was that there was a seminar held by "life" on how to be a girl which I didn't attend mostly because I found it demeaning to do so. The result: I am a highly unattractive homo sapien with some oestrogen and uterus but none of the other characteristics of the typical female species apply to me. Hahah reminds me of yesterday when my girlfriends were talking about this other girl. They said she was a tomboy and then quickly remarked "an attractive tomboy" to clarify everything just in case I start relating my case to her and start thinking that maybe i am attractive Hahaha
Anyways. Where was I? Oh yeah. So. From what i have learnt is that in order to be an attractive female species I am supposed to act a certain way and think a certain way. I'm supposed to be delicate and beautiful, conforming to the general standards set by this society. Here, is where I find myself at a great loss.
Why you ask? The reason is simple. I don't live a normal life.
I don't have money to buy expensive sexyclothes to flflatter my figure. I have to drive around myself in extreme heat of the sun because I don't have a driver. I sweat. I have to maneuver my life so I can't go around pretending to be helpless and delicate otherwise the world outside would eat me alive. I have to try and not be dependent on the only parent I have because she has already done more than enough for me and now it's my turn to do everythif for her. I have acne And nnot until recently did I get a cure For it. i have to think like a man in order to survive in a male dominated society so that leaves little room for thinking what I'll wear tomorrow or what he said she said All In one,in order to appear attracattractive, I would have to change things I have no control over. And if something hurts, that's probably it. It almost feels like the world would hold against me something I have no control over. But that's only when I feel the desire to be attractive.
The other side of the coin is that I've never really wanted to be attractive. I've always wanted to be respected. And that is what I built my life on so that is what I got. Now all of a sudden I want a taste of whatiit is like to be attractive - well. I guess that's not going to happen. And maybe that's whatddisappoints me. It would have been the luxury of an extreme kind to be respected and be aattractive. In my hBut you can't have everything in your life now can you?
The interesting bit: after all the realizations and disappointment, came the question "am I doing it right?" And whAt followed was doubt aand dissatisfaction . What else would a teenager feel if she or he is told that they are not attractive? I was unhappy so I considered alternative solutions and the only solution I could think of was to change myself.
THAT, ladies and gentlemen, disgusted me more than anything I had felt up till now. Yes I was disappointed that I will probably never get a chance to experience what it feels like to have the influence of male species in my life but in contrast to changing myself that felt like being deprived of cake for a day. It didn't even matter THAT MUCH. To think that I will start acting delicately and not be hard core; to think that when my mom looks at me she doesn't have the comfort of seeing someone who is strong and can take care of herself which will be one lessworry in her llife; to think that by losing my ability to be hard core I might stop giving people I love e that feeling of protection or become so self involved that I start ignoring all those who need my help, is far worse than notot being admired by someone.
So in the end, I realized that maybe I will never get to experience what I believe is a normal life: that joy of being admired, the comfort of knowing there is someone out there who cares enough, the mental relaxation offered by the presence of a male figure and all those other things which are supposed to accompany these feelings but maybe im not the girl whoo will HAVE a guy. Maybe iI'm the girl who is supposed to BE the guy.
I believe it was in Sarah Jessica Parkers "I don't know how she does it" that the main female protagonist says "trying to be a man is a terrible waste of a woman". BBut I guess in my time and case, trying to be a girl is a terrible waste of me.
*pause for dramatic effect*
*gets no dramatic effect*
#embracingmyinnerman
Double caution: if you still are a resilient little bastard, it is strongly advised that you lock up your doors and read this In a bomb shelter. The author hhasn't gotten used to the new phone and is so full of emotions that she won't notice a grammar mistake even if it danced in front of her wearing Dobby's tea cost. (yeah blame it on the "emotions",,*eyeye roll by imaginary fan base bitch*) anyways. The grammar nazi won't be pleased.
Let me start from the beginning. All my life I have felt as if I wasn't a part of the general human community. Maybe it's a general feeling or maybe my family problems were to blame. That I think I'll never know. It was always like the world around me were moving as a coven on the road of life rejoicing and sharing but I was on the sidelines, walking with the coven but away from it. Observing their festivities from a distance, smiling at their happiness but not exactly sharing it as a part of them. even when I tried to mix in I couldn't. There always was this feeling that on a certain level I couldn't connect with everyone else and they couldn't feel x and experience some of the things that I was Feeling.
The I made good friends and I started feeling like I wasn't so far away from the coven but I was and still am at a distance.
Recently, however, I decided that maybe I should give it a shot. "it" being what I think is a normal life. The life of a girl. The kind of life in which girls are taken care of by the male species. Mind you I love my independence, but for once I just wanted to feel the kind of security other girls felt because they have this male shadow in their lives. So in my head the attainment of such a life went hand in hand with being a girll. Sadly, the attempt at conforming to the typical stestereotype failed miserably. What's even worse is that I didn't fail because I wanted to. I failed because I couldn't do what was being asked of me.
First thing that this experiment made me realize was that there was a seminar held by "life" on how to be a girl which I didn't attend mostly because I found it demeaning to do so. The result: I am a highly unattractive homo sapien with some oestrogen and uterus but none of the other characteristics of the typical female species apply to me. Hahah reminds me of yesterday when my girlfriends were talking about this other girl. They said she was a tomboy and then quickly remarked "an attractive tomboy" to clarify everything just in case I start relating my case to her and start thinking that maybe i am attractive Hahaha
Anyways. Where was I? Oh yeah. So. From what i have learnt is that in order to be an attractive female species I am supposed to act a certain way and think a certain way. I'm supposed to be delicate and beautiful, conforming to the general standards set by this society. Here, is where I find myself at a great loss.
Why you ask? The reason is simple. I don't live a normal life.
I don't have money to buy expensive sexyclothes to flflatter my figure. I have to drive around myself in extreme heat of the sun because I don't have a driver. I sweat. I have to maneuver my life so I can't go around pretending to be helpless and delicate otherwise the world outside would eat me alive. I have to try and not be dependent on the only parent I have because she has already done more than enough for me and now it's my turn to do everythif for her. I have acne And nnot until recently did I get a cure For it. i have to think like a man in order to survive in a male dominated society so that leaves little room for thinking what I'll wear tomorrow or what he said she said All In one,in order to appear attracattractive, I would have to change things I have no control over. And if something hurts, that's probably it. It almost feels like the world would hold against me something I have no control over. But that's only when I feel the desire to be attractive.
The other side of the coin is that I've never really wanted to be attractive. I've always wanted to be respected. And that is what I built my life on so that is what I got. Now all of a sudden I want a taste of whatiit is like to be attractive - well. I guess that's not going to happen. And maybe that's whatddisappoints me. It would have been the luxury of an extreme kind to be respected and be aattractive. In my hBut you can't have everything in your life now can you?
The interesting bit: after all the realizations and disappointment, came the question "am I doing it right?" And whAt followed was doubt aand dissatisfaction . What else would a teenager feel if she or he is told that they are not attractive? I was unhappy so I considered alternative solutions and the only solution I could think of was to change myself.
THAT, ladies and gentlemen, disgusted me more than anything I had felt up till now. Yes I was disappointed that I will probably never get a chance to experience what it feels like to have the influence of male species in my life but in contrast to changing myself that felt like being deprived of cake for a day. It didn't even matter THAT MUCH. To think that I will start acting delicately and not be hard core; to think that when my mom looks at me she doesn't have the comfort of seeing someone who is strong and can take care of herself which will be one lessworry in her llife; to think that by losing my ability to be hard core I might stop giving people I love e that feeling of protection or become so self involved that I start ignoring all those who need my help, is far worse than notot being admired by someone.
So in the end, I realized that maybe I will never get to experience what I believe is a normal life: that joy of being admired, the comfort of knowing there is someone out there who cares enough, the mental relaxation offered by the presence of a male figure and all those other things which are supposed to accompany these feelings but maybe im not the girl whoo will HAVE a guy. Maybe iI'm the girl who is supposed to BE the guy.
I believe it was in Sarah Jessica Parkers "I don't know how she does it" that the main female protagonist says "trying to be a man is a terrible waste of a woman". BBut I guess in my time and case, trying to be a girl is a terrible waste of me.
*pause for dramatic effect*
*gets no dramatic effect*
#embracingmyinnerman
Friday, 4 July 2014
Of The Wind, Sound And Seas
I GOT MY VERY FIRST ANDROID PHONE AND NOW I can blog from my phone Will take some getting used to speed has become terribly slo. Will post in kkeywords
Monty python last show. So happy to see photo. So old so brilliant. Can't wait for the performance on DVD. day 665. Still in love.
Listening to some piano solos. Majestically secretively melancholic. Like a lonely walk near water watching the sun rise on the last day of your life which had bought you so many miseries and yet, you'd give anything to see the sun rise again.
I feel my writers senses tingling. Let's give it a try.
It was peaceful at last. She felt so calm. A deep breath of cool air bought a smile on her face.
Ugh no iI don't like this style of writing. It's too common and silly actually. Let's give it another go. I need to develop an effortless style.
When she finally stood against the railing, she felt the wind whispering in her ears. Secrets of thousands of miles of lonely seas were empty and this afforded her the luxury of peace. It was finally hers. The light whistle of the wind reminded her of her barren surroundings. Free from human interruptions, she finally admitted on this last day, that life hadn't been kind to her. It was the end that finally gave her the peace she had been yearning all her life. But as she stood there she knew, she would give anything to see the sun rise like this again.
__________
Ah. The things music can make you feel.
Monty python last show. So happy to see photo. So old so brilliant. Can't wait for the performance on DVD. day 665. Still in love.
Listening to some piano solos. Majestically secretively melancholic. Like a lonely walk near water watching the sun rise on the last day of your life which had bought you so many miseries and yet, you'd give anything to see the sun rise again.
I feel my writers senses tingling. Let's give it a try.
It was peaceful at last. She felt so calm. A deep breath of cool air bought a smile on her face.
Ugh no iI don't like this style of writing. It's too common and silly actually. Let's give it another go. I need to develop an effortless style.
When she finally stood against the railing, she felt the wind whispering in her ears. Secrets of thousands of miles of lonely seas were empty and this afforded her the luxury of peace. It was finally hers. The light whistle of the wind reminded her of her barren surroundings. Free from human interruptions, she finally admitted on this last day, that life hadn't been kind to her. It was the end that finally gave her the peace she had been yearning all her life. But as she stood there she knew, she would give anything to see the sun rise like this again.
__________
Ah. The things music can make you feel.
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