Caution: the following post contains passages full of teenage angst . Not ssuitable for viewers sick of ccomplaining teenagers.
Double caution: if you still are a resilient little bastard, it is strongly advised that you lock up your doors and read this In a bomb shelter. The author hhasn't gotten used to the new phone and is so full of emotions that she won't notice a grammar mistake even if it danced in front of her wearing Dobby's tea cost. (yeah blame it on the "emotions",,*eyeye roll by imaginary fan base bitch*) anyways. The grammar nazi won't be pleased.
Let me start from the beginning. All my life I have felt as if I wasn't a part of the general human community. Maybe it's a general feeling or maybe my family problems were to blame. That I think I'll never know. It was always like the world around me were moving as a coven on the road of life rejoicing and sharing but I was on the sidelines, walking with the coven but away from it. Observing their festivities from a distance, smiling at their happiness but not exactly sharing it as a part of them. even when I tried to mix in I couldn't. There always was this feeling that on a certain level I couldn't connect with everyone else and they couldn't feel x and experience some of the things that I was Feeling.
The I made good friends and I started feeling like I wasn't so far away from the coven but I was and still am at a distance.
Recently, however, I decided that maybe I should give it a shot. "it" being what I think is a normal life. The life of a girl. The kind of life in which girls are taken care of by the male species. Mind you I love my independence, but for once I just wanted to feel the kind of security other girls felt because they have this male shadow in their lives. So in my head the attainment of such a life went hand in hand with being a girll. Sadly, the attempt at conforming to the typical stestereotype failed miserably. What's even worse is that I didn't fail because I wanted to. I failed because I couldn't do what was being asked of me.
First thing that this experiment made me realize was that there was a seminar held by "life" on how to be a girl which I didn't attend mostly because I found it demeaning to do so. The result: I am a highly unattractive homo sapien with some oestrogen and uterus but none of the other characteristics of the typical female species apply to me. Hahah reminds me of yesterday when my girlfriends were talking about this other girl. They said she was a tomboy and then quickly remarked "an attractive tomboy" to clarify everything just in case I start relating my case to her and start thinking that maybe i am attractive Hahaha
Anyways. Where was I? Oh yeah. So. From what i have learnt is that in order to be an attractive female species I am supposed to act a certain way and think a certain way. I'm supposed to be delicate and beautiful, conforming to the general standards set by this society. Here, is where I find myself at a great loss.
Why you ask? The reason is simple. I don't live a normal life.
I don't have money to buy expensive sexyclothes to flflatter my figure. I have to drive around myself in extreme heat of the sun because I don't have a driver. I sweat. I have to maneuver my life so I can't go around pretending to be helpless and delicate otherwise the world outside would eat me alive. I have to try and not be dependent on the only parent I have because she has already done more than enough for me and now it's my turn to do everythif for her. I have acne And nnot until recently did I get a cure For it. i have to think like a man in order to survive in a male dominated society so that leaves little room for thinking what I'll wear tomorrow or what he said she said All In one,in order to appear attracattractive, I would have to change things I have no control over. And if something hurts, that's probably it. It almost feels like the world would hold against me something I have no control over. But that's only when I feel the desire to be attractive.
The other side of the coin is that I've never really wanted to be attractive. I've always wanted to be respected. And that is what I built my life on so that is what I got. Now all of a sudden I want a taste of whatiit is like to be attractive - well. I guess that's not going to happen. And maybe that's whatddisappoints me. It would have been the luxury of an extreme kind to be respected and be aattractive. In my hBut you can't have everything in your life now can you?
The interesting bit: after all the realizations and disappointment, came the question "am I doing it right?" And whAt followed was doubt aand dissatisfaction . What else would a teenager feel if she or he is told that they are not attractive? I was unhappy so I considered alternative solutions and the only solution I could think of was to change myself.
THAT, ladies and gentlemen, disgusted me more than anything I had felt up till now. Yes I was disappointed that I will probably never get a chance to experience what it feels like to have the influence of male species in my life but in contrast to changing myself that felt like being deprived of cake for a day. It didn't even matter THAT MUCH. To think that I will start acting delicately and not be hard core; to think that when my mom looks at me she doesn't have the comfort of seeing someone who is strong and can take care of herself which will be one lessworry in her llife; to think that by losing my ability to be hard core I might stop giving people I love e that feeling of protection or become so self involved that I start ignoring all those who need my help, is far worse than notot being admired by someone.
So in the end, I realized that maybe I will never get to experience what I believe is a normal life: that joy of being admired, the comfort of knowing there is someone out there who cares enough, the mental relaxation offered by the presence of a male figure and all those other things which are supposed to accompany these feelings but maybe im not the girl whoo will HAVE a guy. Maybe iI'm the girl who is supposed to BE the guy.
I believe it was in Sarah Jessica Parkers "I don't know how she does it" that the main female protagonist says "trying to be a man is a terrible waste of a woman". BBut I guess in my time and case, trying to be a girl is a terrible waste of me.
*pause for dramatic effect*
*gets no dramatic effect*
#embracingmyinnerman
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