Of All Zat Zap

I'M IN KARACHI. AT AGA KHAN. THE ENERGY OF THIS CITY OMG. I FINALLY FEEL THAT I HAVE A CITY I CAN RELATE TO. ADVENTURE, THRILL, COLOR, DANGER THIS IS MY ZONE. OMG I LOVE KARACHI.

Ever thine
Ever mine
Ever ours.

COULD ANYTHING BE WRITTEN MORE BEAUTIFULLY?

ugh I love SATC movies.

Le Prose Of "A Song Of Ice And Fire" Cuz I Just Le Finished Le Reading "A Game Of Thrones"

HELLO AGAIN FAITHFUL COMRADES!

I fear not telling you that I have returned after a narrow defeat by the hands of MCAT The Strange. Yes. It will bear us no good for me to lie to you, my faithful comrades, when the future is so uncertain and my heart slightly heavy. Had I gotten three more MCQ’s correct, I would have been rewarded with the passing aggregate percentage.

I accept defeat for it is what God had willed and though I cannot see what benefits lie for me in the near future, I truly believe that this will come around as good news, if not today, then one day.

Had the heavens aligned themselves with me and connected my fate to my imagination, the future would have been so that I would get accepted in Aga Khan Medical College and would have had enough funds in my treasury to pay forth with. But the future, my faithful comrades, is still uncertain, and the treasury still almost empty.

I wish to go forth on conquests in other Private Medical Colleges, but what is a hindrance is the shortage of funds in my treasury. I have no desire to ask more of my dearest Aunt and Uncle for they have done more for me than anyone in this world. I wish to not burden them, for the conquests in Private Medical College is a heavy burden indeed.

Such lies the paradox of life, my honorable friends, and I find myself at a loss to do anything but to wait patiently. It is only when I had to look for other options to sustain my future with, I realized, that I wanted to be a Doctor and only a Doctor. I looked far and wide for other modalities of life that would interest me but I have not found a single one which holds more attraction. ‘Tis the sad truth that I find myself running after something I do not have enough funds to pay with.

Perhaps I should avail this opportunity and turn elsewhere for this Sun Year and then turn back next Sun Year to face MCAT The Strange again. That, I have all the desire to do so. But what of this year, my worthy comrades? I face the prospect of hard labor with Subjects that I have absolutely no fondness for, nay, the subjects I have come to despise. I do not enjoy the company of Pakistani Education System, for it is useless and futile to indulge my brain into learning rather than seeking knowledge. Yes, that is what I yearn for. Knowledge. I spent the past two years of my life locked in the labyrinth of FSc The Fucking Awful and the only hope that sustained me was that I will be free soon enough. To go back to the likings of the labyrinth again, only to study what I have absolutely no desire to, gives me shivers colder than the Coldest Winter, when all trees froze and hunger ran astray.

However, I realize I must not be stubborn, for defeat comes to those who cannot bend their knees when needed. I am willing to form an alliance with BSc. The I-Don’t-Really-Know or BA The My-Sister-Tells-Me-It’s-Fun. There too, my faithful comrades, I fear a hindrance. Were I to form an alliance with BSc. The I-Don’t-Really-Know, I would find myself in complete agony of studying all that disinterests me and kills my soul, for Chemistry is no friend of mine. Not, only that, but it would close up the options of any other life path that I would want to choose for myself, lest the dream of conquering MBBS goes to seven hells below.

If I form an alliance with or BA The My-Sister-Tells-Me-It’s-Fun, I find myself at an advantage. I can accompany subjects whose presence I truly desire, like Lady Biochemistry (For she will help me next yer when I go forth on my second conquest against MCAT The Strange; Lady International Relations (For she has given me her word to help me in my conquest against CSS, if I am to consider it in near future) and perhaps Sir Political Sciences or Sir Physics. But the heavens do not permit an all advantageous consequence. I fear that my alliance with or BA The My-Sister-Tells-Me-It’s-Fun would mean that I would have to appear as a private student, allied with no educational institution, for no educational institution offers the combination of subjects that I truly desire. The time to apply to other universities has long gone, for I was engaged in my struggle with MCAT The Strange when these other educational institutions were forming alliances with students.

And here, once again, rises the paradox of life. And here, once again I am compelled to say that I find myself at a loss to do anything other than hope and wait patiently. In a few months time, my fate shall not be as hazy as it is today. The fog of uncertainty shall lift, but I fear. I fear not knowing what to do even when that fog of uncertainty has lifted.

Le omber

I DONT WANT TO BE JEALOUS ANYMORE I don't want to read articles about the rich and famous and get filled with envy at how they are doing something that they absolutely love every single day and are making good money out of it. This is what having nothing to do does to me - it makes me want to do something that makes my life worth living every second. And right now I have nothing to do (studying has become something as natural as breathing so basically it doesn't really count anymore)
Ugh why can't I do it like Elizabeth did in Eat, Pray, Love? Yes I'm reading that book and it fills me with envy.

I JUST WANT TO READ THESE STORIES AND ARTICLES AND THINK "YEAHHH I'M NOT JEALOUS BECAUSE MY LIFE FEELS FULFILLED TOO"

I know I must be patient but OMG WHEN WILL THAT TIME COME? and by "that time" I mean the time when I feel true happiness and satisfaction about my life. The time when I wake up every morning and know my life is worth something. The time when I don't wake up to the hopes of having a meaningful life in the future.

Ugh I hate being free. It gives me the Devils free time to compare my life to others and be unsatisfied and angry about it. I NEED A PASSION IN MY LIFE.

Le Optimus Primos

If I had to describe loneliness in one word, I would choose the word "MAJESTIC".

Yes I find loneliness majestic. To have that big vacant space around you which is occupied by no one else other than yourself is majestic. To have the confidence to live in and control that space is majestic. To not yearn for wanting to hold on to something or someone is brave and majestic. That empty space in which you find yourself is majestic.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not all for loneliness. Having someone or something to hold on to has its own perks, but never forget

Loneliness has its own grandeur.

And now for some, as the French say, Silvou plait

One often finds oneself in a delimma most often brought upon by young age; but one eventually realizes that it is not that one's fellow species does not care. The facts are these: after their own lives, there is no spare care.

It is not self indulgence.

It is a fact of life.

And even if they did, when the sun goes down, one finds oneself looking through the darkness through ones own eyes only.

Ah. The loneliness of human existence.


P.s the kind of friendship and care that friends and other human beings show in movies and books show is highly over rated and largely untrue. What they can show is kindness. The difference between kindness and care is that care comes from somewhere inside your heart from a place reserved for others. Kindness comes from that place inside your heart which is reserved for your own satisfaction and we'll being. One could say that kindness is a selfish act which keeps the world at peace.

At my age you can find a friend too many to discuss your boyfriend problems with but when it gets real, one finds oneself strangely abandoned.

I would have said that if not ffriends, then your family will always have your back but that would also be largely untrue. And then if blood abandons blood then one can't really expect a stranger to care.

I think it's a little joke that life plays on you. In happiness, it gives you the comfort of knowing that people around  you are there for a reason. And then it throws you in a pit and you find yourself falling all alone and you realize that human company is just an illusion. It all would have been okay if we could  just accept the fact that when worst comes to worst we all really are alone. That could be the end of it but no. Life doesn't do easy life doesn't do simple. It gives you "HOPE". Foul play on life's part there because what happens is that you keep trying to depend on people HOPING that they will understand but they don't so now the reaffirmation of the fact that you're alone is accompanied by the pain of failure and regret. and there sits life on her throne of lifeness giving humans a taste of Ze Fallen 'Ope (chef speciality from the Kitchens Of Despair)

Life is strange. Actually it's not. What's strange is us humans trying to find a pattern of easy comfort in it. When in reality life is an acronym for
L = Let's
I = iFuck
F = fIt
E = eUp

P. S. S was reading Sisterhood   of travelling pants and I revelled in its innocence. How Friends and sisters and even guys you just met cared for each other. Three books and a week of silent bitterness later I find myself rolling eyes at every instance of human care depicted  in it. Doesn't ducking happen in real life. God knows how much I would like to be proven wrobg

Teenage angst part dos

There always is this turbulation and panic at the back of my head. I wonder if this unsettled feeling is a part of being human that only ends with death?

proposed solution: accept that life will always be chaotic and problematic. It is life after all .

But one still hopes for some peace and tranquility,  for It is only human to hope.