Self Ranting on Career Confusions

I am at a weird point in my life. I’m going through that phase where I am confused about everything.

I basically want to become a doctor. I’ve always wanted that but now I just don’t want it that badly for reasons I don’t understand.

I sometimes even feel that if I fail, it will open up a whole world of opportunities for me. It’s like my aim to become a doctor is blocking the colorful possibilities that life has to offer.

So basically I am scared. Doctor is a safe option for me but I don’t know if I want a safe option. What if the safe option is what is best for me? I don’t know anything. I’m basically waiting for either a failure to tell me risk is what is best for me, or I’m waiting for success to tell me that I am destined to become a doctor.

I remember I wanted to become a doctor because I wanted to help people. So the baseline is that even if I don’t become a doctor, I want to do something to help people.

My biggest fear right now is getting up every morning and living just for myself. Where my biggest concern is dressing to impress, small talking through life, letting the miseries of everyone else go ignored while I myself enjoy my life. I want to wake up every morning and know that I am helping, if not everyone, then someone. I want to make a difference. I don’t want to lead an ordinary life.

Yeah, that is what I want - an extraordinary life spent trying to help those who need my help. That is my basic requirement.

Why He Died

(Inspired by Stuart: A Life Backwards)

She put the cassette in the recorder and pressed play.

*white noise*

Jim: INTERVIEW 1. I am Jim Dillinger and I will be interviewing Mr. John Hopscotch. Interview is dated 12 September 1998.

*sound of door opening, dragging feet and dropping down on a chair*

Jim: Mr. John Hopscotch my name is Ji…

John: *dazedly* I know y.. yo.. you’re he’r tooo inter.. interweyy me

Jim: Yes. I am.

*silence*

Jim: Should? Should I just start asking questions?

John: Shhhhooot.

 Jim: Well *clears throat* Mr. Hopscotch, umm can you please tell us about the details of your… umm. Your first..

John: Mai furst attemp to kill mysle?

Jim: *shifts in seat* ye.. yes please

*silence*

John: Weell, I’ wuz back in niney seven. I ha’ cum bck frm shoppin, I took m’ gun  out..outaa m.my close’ and sho’ m’self

Jim: Why did you do that?

John: W…Wha u mean why? I wanne’ to kill me’slf tha’s why

Jim: Why did you want to kill yourself?

*silence*

John: Wh..why dos man wana kill emsel?

Jim: You tell me Mr. Hopscotch.

*Silence*

Jim: Mr. Hopscotch? Can I call you John?

*silence*

John: hmm?

Jim: John why did you want to kill yourself?

John: cuz.. cuz I couldn’ see

Jim: Couldn’t see what?

John: n..nothin. couln’ see nothing.

Jim: What were you expecting to see John?

*silence*

Jim: John?

*pause*

John: *slowly* Couln’ see nothin.

 *pause*

Jim: Okay. Ummm, can you tell us about your..ummm... second attempt?

John: hmm?

Jim: Your second attempt at suicide?

*pause*

John: still couln’ see

Jim: What were you hoping to see?

*pause*

John: ligh’ at the en’d of the tu’nellll

Jim: You mean hope? You lost all hope?

*Silence*

*Jim fidgets in chair*

Jim: Can you please tell us in detail what happened the night of January 23^rd, 1998?

*Silence*

John: I’ comes to yo’ and it…it shroudes yo’… ‘ntil yo can see no mo’.

Jim: Sorry?

John: I’ ain’ like a tun’l. it ain’ like a long time’ of misr’y tha’ finl’y en’s in’ ligh’

Jim: Life?

John: cuz’ it shrou’s yo’ up like a blanke’ o’ darkne’ an’ yo’ can’ see nothin’. Presen’ cove’s yo’ up so yo’re blin’.

*Silence*

Jim: *clears throat* so.. umm. The second time you tried to kill yourself it was with a knife?

John: hmm

Jim: Why did you use a knife the second time?

*Silence*

John: Cuz.. cuzz *coughs violently*

*Sound of John drinking water*

Jim: Are you all right?

John: Cuz… slashin give yo’ mental agony a subs’antial  reaso’.

Jim: I’m sorry I don’t understand.

John: Yo’ brain fill’ up with agony. You can’ share with no… no.. *coughs* nobo’y. bloo’ cumin’ out brin’s som’thn out. I’ relieves. The pain o’ slashin’ giv’ yo’ brain a physica’ reason to feel pain.

Jim: Is that why you committed suicide?

*Silence*

Jim: John?

*Silence*

Jim: Well, umm, is this program helping you cope up with your…

John: no

Jim: why not?

John: I’ don’ take away m’ pai’

*pause*

Jim: I.. umm. Well.. how would you want to take away your pain?

John: By maki’ I’ all go awa’

Jim: Can you propose a solution other than suicide to make this happen?

*Silence*

Jim: John?

Jim: I’ stuck here

Jim: There are outlets you can have John, no one is stuck in their lives. Everyone has an outle..

John: *bangs on table* THE’ AIN’ NO OU’LET

*sounds of falling chair*

*sounds of heavy breathing, draggin footsteps*

John: *distant voice* the’ ain’ no ou’le

Jim: I’m so..sorry John i..i didn’t mean to… sorry..

*sounds of Jim getting up from chair*

*sounds of door opening and closing*

*Silence*

Jim: Well, umm… interview concluded 1:35 pm

*sound of rummaging papers*

*silence*

*white noise*

Jim: November 28^th 1998. Interviewee John Hopscotch died today. Suicide. Cause: Multiple slash wounds on wrist. Interview process terminated.

*Player button pops up*

She couldn’t move from the counter.

Dallas Buyers Club

Dear Jared Leto,

Sorry I said those things about you earlier. Your Oscar was so well deserved that I now think you should have taken two. Also please tell Matthew McCohanny that, well okay I don’t have words for it, but just thank him, for the performance.

Blue Jasmine

It was a fairly entertaining movie. Cate Blanchett did a REALLY good job. But did she deserve the Oscar to win over Meryl Streep in August Osage County and Sandra Bullock in Gravity? Probably not. It was tough competition, sure, but what Streep and Bullock managed to convey was far more potent than what Blanchett did. Not to forget, Violet’s role and Ryan Stone’s characters demanded MUCH MORE than Jasmine’s and the fact that they were so convincingly delivered made Streep and Bullock more worthy of the Oscar.

But other than that, it was a fairly good movie. Not something I would watch twice. But definitely something I should watch at least once.

Gravity

Ho-li-shit

Just a few notable things:

1.       This is what you call art

2.       This is what you call talent

3.       This is what you call taking the movies one step further

4.       This is what you call an unforgettable piece of amazing-ness

P.S I’m so glad that the director did not add any earthly scene in the movie. He just kept the whole vibe of space in space. Things like these that enable one to claim this movie as “perfection in the art of filmmaking.”

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

Since I have secretly been sarcastically rolling my eyes at very mention of “you are an amazing friend I <3 <3 <3 you” on facebook, I decided to go full-on on this:

To be very honest, I do not get the point of friendship. And I don’t think I’ve ever had.

The only time I felt friendship was worth something was when it offered me an escape from my daily nuisances: having so much fun that you forget everything. But now I just don’t get it because it certainly does not offer me an escape anymore.

What are friends for? To help you through tough time? Doesn’t really matter much now does it? Because at the end of the day, you’re the only one who is facing the tough time no one else. Others simply cannot shoulder your burden because first, everyone has got enough of their own problems to add your own to them, and secondly, no one simply cares about anyone’s problems but theirs. It’s not their fault too. How can anyone understand what someone else is going through, unless they are going through it themselves? 

Even if they show they care, it will just be for a few seconds, minutes, hours or days but if its longer than that, you’re in it alone son. Damn right you are. (For me personally, I’ve experienced care and concern for an average of few hours in a day when someone suddenly gets an attack of “wanting to be good friends” (which, I might add, is said just to satisfy their egos so they can have the comfort of knowing “what good friends” they are.)

Sharing your problems or talking just seems so useless. There was this girl in my class, brilliant as hell but it seemed like she didn’t have any good friends and I kind of felt sad for her. But now I finally get it. It’s so damn useless. Oh I want help you, I care about you, the hell you do. I’ll see how long you’ll stick around after saying that.

What only really helps is family. Because they are just as much affected by your problems as you are so they try to help you overcome them. Other than that, everything else is pretty much just a lie we tell ourselves to not appear or feel so alone.

Yes I know this rant seems pretty lonesome and bitter. But seriously, who would you call to bury a body if you murdered someone? (That probably wasn’t such a good question because many of my imaginary fan-base will say MY FRIEND, to which, I will be rendered speechless. But since it’s MY imaginary fan-base, I’ll just imagine them agreeing with me *perks of talking to imaginary fan-base rather than real humans*)

Well, that is enough unfair bitterness for today. I’m sure there are many awesome people out there who are amazing friends. To them I would like to say:

FUCK YOU

Peace-out \/

*drops mic*

College Life 2

Among so many other terrible things that college has made me feel so that my life has turned into this dark hell hole, I now realize it has made me feel one thing that I was not ready to admit – it has made me feel incompetent.

Continuously failing tests and exams makes me feel like I may excel at some things, but in things that matter – in real life –all I am is an incompetent failure who is not good enough to deal with things when life gets harder and real. I might have gotten great grades in school, but I kept on failing in college aka the moment it gets difficult I can’t deal with it.

I would love to tell myself it’s just the “College effect” or it’s just the “FSc effect”, Or maybe these tests and exams and college life in general doesn't matter in real life, but what if it is not? What if I really am incompetent? Things around me hardly prove otherwise.

Failing when you know you are not incompetent, or failing when you know you should have been able to make it, is really a terrible feeling. First, it kills your ego and self – respect in one swipe. Second, it makes you feel worthless as shit. And third, it discourages you.

Well, I guess that is what life is right? I should be able to take it head on. I just don’t understand why someone would say college is the best time of your life. If they meant “best time” to feel like a dark-depressed-black-hole-which-keeps-sucking-you-in-so-you-cant-escape-and-en d-up-hating-to-wake-up-every-morning-and-feel-so-stuck-that-sometimes-you-can’t-even-breathe-properly then yeah sure, that is what it is.

P.S I know there are many out there who feel the same. So it’s kind of even more terrible to know that others might be going through the same depression and there is practically nothing I can do to console them. I guess I can just hope that one day we all get out of it, become happy and feel worthy.