Late Night Ranting

Well, it’s one o clock in the morning. All I can say is that I was hoping to sleep early so I can get up early tomorrow and study better for my physics exam day after tomorrow. But life doesn’t really turn out the way you imagine it to right?

I can’t sleep and all I can think about is my current obsession with Monty Python. I think about them all the time. I want to watch all their movies and documentaries all the time. Is It love? Or is it escapism from my impending doom which rears its head in form of my annual exam?

I have pretty much accepted the fact that I might not get such good marks but I still get those hopeful moments where I think maybe my preparation is not as bad as it seems. And then my hope gets crushed. The fall from those hopeful moments is even worse than to have simply lost all hope.

I just saw part 1 of the Monty Python Documentary (I also watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail which was okay-ish. I did find myself laughing just because it was Monty Python and not because it was funny. Anyways, back to the documentary) It made me feel so envious. I have such a huge amount of respect for all the Pythons. Their lives seem so amazing – spent making people laugh, never growing up, doing what they wanted and travelling (like Michael Palin). I wish to have a life like that-  a life full of adventure and mystery; So that when I am old like them, everyone looks at the satisfaction hidden in the lines of my face an know that I lived life to the fullest.

To be very honest, I feel like my life has been planned out. I am supposed to become a doctor (which I now don’t seem to mind thanks to Graham Chapman, who was a doctor but led an interesting crazy life), then get married, then raise children and somewhere in all that I am supposed to find my enjoyment. But that is not how I wish to enjoy my life. I don’t want to “FIND” enjoyment; I want to “MAKE” enjoyment. I want to travel, be wild, have all those crazy zany adventures and finally settle down when I get sick of the unpredictable outrageous life I had for such a long time. So years later, when my kids come to me for adventure stories, I don’t have to make them up as I go: I’ll just retell the events of my past.

Yes, I seek adventure more than ever. I don’t want to be one of those old people who have wisdom in their silence and have lost sight of their inner child. I want to be a crazy old unpredictable wart, who has fun in her own crazy way. Like those old Pythons. It’s like John Cleese said: He still feels like a child. He sees all these old people who are unhappy because they are trapped by the idea of wanting to be “old and wise”. But not him; he has never hid his inner child. The disappointment comes when I look at my life right now and see how annoying, serious and predictable it has become. I think, if I can’t make my inner child shine out in what is possibly the most horrible two years of my life, maybe I won’t EVER be able to do it because life will only get more difficult from here onwards.

When I read about some of the crazy things that Chapman did in his life I’m fascinated. To be as old as he was, and still bite people’s ankles at a formal party, requires the kinds of guts that we, normal mortals, don’t have. We are so entrapped by the society that we would never be able to do anything like that without fearing the consequences.

Well, I’m not saying I would like to bite people’s ankles at a formal dinner party PER SAY, but I would love to travel the world; go bunjee jumping; ride a roller coaster or wake up in a different part of the world to a new adventure every single day.  

I’m sure I am not the only one who feels so trapped. The sad thing is many a good old adults before me have had the same dream but their lives didn’t quite turn out the way they were expecting. And that is my biggest fear: that I too will become one of those old people.

I don’t know how much of luck is it to end up living the adventurous life that you have always wanted. I guess, in the end, the only thing I can do is just hope and pray that I have that kind of luck.